Self-Talk

People with a Victim mindset typically pay the most attention to the voice of their Inner Critic or their Inner Defender. By contrast, people with a Creator mindset listen carefully to the voice of their Inner Guide. Let’s take a close look at these three inner voices.

The Inner Critic

This is the internal voice that judges us as inadequate: I’m so uncoordinated. I can’t do math. I’m not someone she would want to date. I never say the right thing. My ears are too big. I’m a lousy writer. The Inner Critic accepts too much responsibility and blames us for whatever goes wrong in our lives: It’s all my fault. I always screw up. I knew I couldn’t pass biology. I ruined the project. I ought to be ashamed. I blew it again. This judgmental inner voice can find fault with anything about us: our appearance, our intelligence, our performance, our personality, our abilities, how others see us, and, in severe cases, even our value as a human being: I’m not good enough. I’m worthless. I don’t deserve to live. (Although nearly everyone has a critical inner voice at times, if you often think toxic self-judgments like these last three, don’t mess around. Get to your college’s counseling office immediately and get help revising these hurtful messages so you don’t make self-destructive choices.)

A loud, voluble critic is enormously toxic. He is more poisonous to your psychological health than almost any trauma or loss. That’s because grief and pain wash away with time. But the critic is always with you—judging, blaming, finding fault.

Matthew McKay & Patrick Fanning

Ironically, self-judgments have a positive intention. By criticizing ourselves, we hope to eliminate our flaws and win the approval of others, thus feeling more worthy. Occasionally when we bully ourselves to be perfect, we do create a positive outcome, though we make ourselves miserable in the effort. Often, though, self-judgments cause us to give up, as when I tell myself, I can’t pass math, so I drop the course. What’s positive about this? Well, at least I’ve escaped my problem. Freed from the pressures of passing math, my anxieties float away, and I feel better than I have since the semester started. Of course, I still must pass math to get my degree, so my relief is temporary. The Inner Critic is quite content to trade success in the future for comfort in the present.

Where does an Inner Critic come from? Here’s one clue: Have you noticed that its self-criticisms often sound like judgmental adults we have known? It’s as if our younger self recorded their judgments and, years later, our Inner Critic replays them over and over. Sometimes you can even trace a self-judgment back to a specific comment that someone made about you years ago. Regardless of its truth, that judgment can affect the choices you make every day.

What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.

Advice to Maya Angelou from her grandmother

During discussions about Inner Critic voices, I have had students say that in their family culture, parents routinely criticize their children. The parents say they do it to help. One student said that if he brought home a test with a grade of 98, his parents would tell him that wasn’t good enough. Another student shared that if she gained a pound, her mother would tell her she was fat and no man would ever want to marry her. A third student made a vase in her ceramics class and gave it to her mother as a present. Her mother proudly displayed the vase on the dining table. The next day, she asked, “What grade did you get for the vase?” My student replied that she had gotten a “C.” Soon after, the vase disappeared, never to be seen again. I’m inclined to give these parents the benefit of the doubt. I’m willing to believe they thought they were helping their children, even showing love. Whatever their intentions, though, these parents had clearly given great power to their children’s Inner Critics.

The Inner Defender

The other side of the Inner Critic is the Inner Defender. Instead of judging ourselves, the Inner Defender judges others: What a boring teacher. My adviser screwed up my financial aid. Those people are not as good as we are. My roommate made me late to class. No one knows what they’re doing around here. It’s all their fault! Inner Defenders accept too little responsibility and, thus, their thoughts and conversations are full of blaming, complaining, accusing, judging, criticizing, and condemning others.

Like Inner Critics, Inner Defenders have a positive intention. They, too, want to protect us from discomfort and anxiety. They, too, want us to feel more worthy. One way they do so is by judging others as wrong or bad or “less than.” By tearing others down, the Inner Defender tries to make us feel better about ourselves. In this light, you can perhaps see that prejudice and bias are key tools of the Inner Defender.

The object of teaching personal responsibility is to have the student substitute for the question “Who’s to blame?” the question “What needs to be done?”

Nathaniel Branden

Another way Inner Defenders try to help us is by blaming our problems on forces that seem beyond our control, such as other people, bad luck, the government, lack of money, uncaring parents, not enough time, or even too much time. The Inner Defender of a college student might say, I can’t pass math because my instructor is terrible. She couldn’t teach math to Einstein. Besides that, the textbook stinks and the tutors in the math lab are rude and unhelpful. It’s obvious this college doesn’t really care what happens to its students. If I’m that student, I breathe a sigh of relief because now I’m covered. If I drop the course, hey, it’s not my fault. If I stay in the course and fail, it’s not my fault either. And, if I stay in the course and somehow get a passing grade (despite my terrible instructor, lousy textbook, worthless tutors, and uncaring college), well, then I have performed no less than a miracle! Regardless of how bad things may get, I can find comfort knowing that at least it’s not my fault. It’s their fault!

And where did this voice come from? Perhaps you’ve noticed that the Inner Defender’s voice sounds like judgmental adults we have known: You can’t trust those people. They’re not as good as we are. They are the reason for our problem! At other times, the Inner Defender sounds like our own voice when we were scared little kids trying to defend ourselves from criticism or punishment by powerful adults. Remember how we’d excuse ourselves from responsibility, shifting the blame for our poor choices onto someone or something else: He keeps poking me. My dog ate my homework. I didn’t have any choice. My sister broke it. He made me do it. It’s all their fault!

I used to want the words “She tried” on my tombstone. Now I want, “She did it.”

Katherine Dunham

Notice what the Inner Critic and Inner Defender have in common. They are both voices of judgment. With the Inner Critic, we point the finger of judgment inward at ourselves. With the Inner Defender, we point the finger of judgment outward at someone or something outside of us. We pay a high price for listening to either our Inner Critic or Inner Defender. By focusing on who’s to blame, we waste our energy on judgments instead of positive actions. We spin in place instead of moving purposely toward our desired outcomes and experiences. To feel better in the moment, we sabotage creating a better future.

Fortunately, another voice exists within us all.

The Inner Guide

This is the wise inner voice that seeks to make the best of any situation. The Inner Guide knows that judgment doesn’t improve difficult situations. So instead, the Inner Guide objectively observes each situation and asks, Am I on course or off course? If I’m off course, what can I do to get back on course? Inner Guides tell us the impartial truth (as best they know it at that time), allowing us to be more fully aware of the world around us, other people, and especially ourselves. With this knowledge, we can take actions that will get us back on course.

You must change the way you talk to yourself about your life situations so that you no longer imply that anything outside of you is the immediate cause of your unhappiness. Instead of saying, “Joe makes me mad,” say, “I make myself mad when I’m around Joe.”

Ken Keyes

Some people say, But my Inner Critic (or Inner Defender) is right! Yes, it’s true that the Inner Critic or Inner Defender can be just as “right” as the Inner Guide. Maybe you really are a lousy writer and the tutors in the math lab actually are rude and unhelpful. The difference is that Victims expend all their energy in judging themselves or others, whereas Creators use their energy to solve problems. The voice we allow to occupy our thoughts determines our choices, and our choices determine the outcomes and experiences of our lives. So choose your thoughts carefully. As mentioned earlier, I allow myself up to 10 minutes to complain, blame, and make excuses. Then I redirect that energy and look for what I can do to improve the situation.

The post Self-Talk People with a Victim mindset typically pay the most attention to appeared first on PapersSpot.