Writing Strength:
Your conclusion provides a proposal that supports your argument on technology promoting loneliness. Currently, you only write the following in your conclusion:
In conclusion, we proposed that advanced technology especially Facebook includes various advantages and that will help people to increase their knowledge in various sectors of their life and make them connected anytime to the whole world from anywhere. That will reduce people’s loneliness and help them to reduce their depression. As we know that excessive use of anything is not good but limited and professional use of today’s advanced technology does not cause loneliness whereas it intended to reduce it.
By restating your position that today’s technology does not cause loneliness as well as your solution that Facebook include various features, you properly conclude your argumentative essay and leave your readers with a lasting impression. Good job,
* you requested help with Main Idea/Thesis:
Your thesis statement does not include some of the main points of your argument about technology promoting loneliness. Let’s take a look:
Social media especially Facebook, does not promotes loneliness because it allows people to in every sector their life, provides benefits for business as well as group interaction and critical thinking, provides facilities to interact people with their relatives from anywhere and also provides a big marketing platforms & helps user to be attached with a lot of business pages or study & research related work for their benefits.
In this sentence, you list four supporting points to your argument, which are that social media allows people to connect in every sector of their life, provides benefits for business, provides facilities to interact with people, and provides marketing platforms. These points are too general and overlap each other. For example, your first and third points go hand in hand, and your second and fourth points are related. Since your assignment description asks you to develop only three strong arguments along with a counterargument, revise your thesis statement to include a counterargument as well as three distinct supporting points. This way, you prepare your readers for your argumentative essay about technology promoting loneliness. Here is an example:
· Although supported by the majority of the population, criminalizing drug addiction does not help in alleviating the country’s drug problem because it encourages experimentation, increases demand for drugs, and strengthens the stigma against drug addicts.
Content Development:
Your main points are not developed in the body of your argumentative essay about technology promoting loneliness. After revising your thesis statement, you can now develop these points in the body of your essay. Since you are writing an argumentative essay, consider structuring your essay following the topical order, focusing one paragraph on one supporting point or reason why social media does not promote loneliness. You can then discuss your counterargument after presenting all your supporting points. This way, readers can better understand the chain of thought of your discussion about technology promoting loneliness. Here is an example of an outline based on the sample thesis statement above:
I. Introduction
II. First supporting point: It encourages experimentation
III. Second supporting point: It increases demand for drugs
IV. Third supporting point: Strengthens the stigma against drug addicts
V. Counterargument: It is supported by the majority of the population
VI. Conclusion
, you requested help with Sentence Structure:
Some of the sources in your Works Cited list are not cited properly. Here is an example from your paper:
Błachnio, Agata, and Aneta Przepiorka. “Be aware! If you start using Facebook problematically you will feel lonely: Phubbing, loneliness, self-esteem, and Facebook intrusion. A cross-sectional study.” Social Science Computer Review 37.2 (2019): 270-278.
In this citation, you mention the authors’ names, title of the article, title of the journal, number, year of publication, and the page numbers. Since you write a Works Cited list, I assume that you are using the MLA style. To cite a journal article in MLA style, mention the authors, title of the source, title of container, number, publication date, location, title of container, and location. Here is an example:
Gajanan, Marie, and Tim Roberts. “From ‘Hanoi Jane’ to the workout: A brief history of Jane
Fonda’s activism.” Time, vol. 13, no. 2, 2018, pp. 34-56. Oxford Journals, doi: 10.1093/16.3.2
For more information on MLA style, you can visit this link.
