Converse with Sensitivity and Confidence!
Conversing well takes practice and effort. For a few lucky people, this comes naturally. For the rest of us, conversing well is a skill that has to be learned. I am a firm believer that everyone can become a good conversationalist by following the advice on the “Do” and “Don’t” lists below.
DO:
Listen well. Make eye contact with the person who is speaking, and focus on what they’re saying.
Nod your head, make ‘Hmmm,’ or ‘Oh, really?” or “Ahh” sounds to show that you’re listening. It’s important to do this when conversing on the phone, too.
Smile! No one wants to talk to someone who has a frown on their face.
Focus on what the person is saying, and process what they’ve said before you respond. Sometimes when someone is talking to us, we’re only partially listening because we’re trying to figure out what we’re going to say in response. Listening well requires conscious, continuous effort.
Ask questions to get the person to elaborate on what they’ve said. For example, if someone says to you, “I am so sleepy today,” ask them, “Why? What happened?” Avoid saying, “Me, too,” because that automatically shifts the focus back to yourself. Asking them “Why? What happened?” will get the person to add more to their initial sentence, and it will show that you’re interested in them and not only thinking about yourself.
Use positive body language when listening to someone speak: lean forward and have a pleasant expression on your face.
Watch the body language of those around you when you’re speaking. If people are frowning, sighing loudly, looking at their watch, or looking anywhere but at you, you can assume that they’re no longer listening to you. Have you been monopolizing the conversation? Have you been only talking about yourself and your opinions and not asking the others about themselves or their opinions? The body language of others can send a strong message to you. On the other hand, if your conversation partners look interested in what you’re saying, just keep doing what you’re doing.
Use ‘upbeat’ intonation patterns when you speak. Make the pitch and tone of your voice rise and fall. If you speak in a monotone or too quietly, people will quickly lose interest in what you’re saying, or they will think you’re unfriendly.
Show interest in others. We live in a very narcissistic and ‘me-oriented’ society; therefore, some people have a tendency to talk only about themselves and their opinions. That is not a good habit to possess. Of course, we all talk about ourselves sometimes, but after a short time, we should ask others, “So, what do you think about this?” or “What is your opinion?” or “How do you feel about this?” or “How about you?” Shift the focus from you to the other person or people.
‘Sell’ yourself in a positive way without being too pompous. If you’re at a job interview, being sure of yourself is key. However, if you go overboard and overinflate yourself and your abilities, the interviewer(s) will think you’re not sincere and that you are full of hot air. They may even feel that you’re arrogant. You can make it seem as if you’re the best person for the job in an understated yet confident way.
On the flip side of the coin, downplaying your abilities will work against you. Being too modest makes it seem as if you’re lacking in confidence. Be factual about your strengths and assets rather than minimizing them.
DON’T:
Don’t monopolize (dominate) any conversation. When you speak to someone else individually or in a group, it’s important to try to give each person equal time to speak (unless, of course, you’re at an interview or giving a presentation, where you’ll be doing most of the talking). It’s important to be fair and give others the chance to express themselves, too.
Don’t think that your outlook of the world is the best. We are all citizens of Planet Earth, and we are all entitled to our individual outlooks and opinions.
Don’t think that your background, customs, and opinions are the best. Every group of people and culture has its good aspects and bad aspects. One culture is not ‘better than’ others. It’s important to keep this in mind in this globalized society.
Don’t disagree with someone too strongly. We all disagree with others from time to time; it happens. You shouldn’t say “I don’t like what you’re saying” or “You’re being rude” or “How can you think / say that?” or “You’re wrong.” Instead, use ‘softer’ language like “I hear what you’re saying, but I feel differently” or “I beg to differ” or “Let me offer this viewpoint instead…” You’re being polite and saying that you disagree at the same time. Sometimes, when all else fails, we may have to agree to disagree.
DON’T INTERRUPT WHEN OTHERS ARE SPEAKING. I put this in capital letters because many people do this when speaking with others, and it’s annoying. Wait until the speaker has finished before saying something.
Don’t keep shifting the conversation back to yourself. Some people have a bad habit of constantly directing the conversation back to themselves. This sends the following message to others: “I am self-absorbed and don’t think you’re important. My life and opinions are much more important than yours.” That’s not a good message to send out to others, is it? The best way to avoid this is to remember that you’re not the most important person in a conversation. Everyone has equal importance.
If you pay attention to everything here, you’ll be considered to be a sensitive, sincere, and confident conversationalist, and people will really enjoy talking with you. The “Do’s” and “Don’t’s” above apply in all aspects of your life, both personal and professional. Good luck!
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