You have an excellent start, here are the things to work on.
-this is really good start, just clean up
-will update grade when you submit the final draft
1. Must work on your transitions, when you go from one topic to another you must mix in transitions
-these can be at begin. of para, at end of para, and even as a one sentence in between paragraphs
2. Use a variety of quality sources (you have some really good ones, but focus on quality of sources
3. Overall, you paper has lots of details. You have made a good start but I want you to work on improving the balance between your comments and outside info.
4. many of your paragraphs need to be developed – part of this will be the transitions, the key is balance
must balance
quotes vs. paraphrased
outside vs. your info
long paragraphs vs some shorter, etc.
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